A Monk’s Advice for a Happy Marriage

Reflections for a Strong and Happy Marriage

After getting married, my husband and I visited Bhante Saranapala, the Urban Buddhist Monk, who previously guided me years ago when I began my healing journey. We received a blessing for our union and Bhante imparted some words of wisdom to us for a happy marriage:


Cultivating the Conditions for a Strong and Happy Relationship

The Four Pillars: The Structure for a Happy Marriage

The four pillars; trust, peace, love, and freedom can sustain a happy marriage. Just as pillars hold up the structure of a home or building, a relationship cannot be strong if any of these pillars fail. In fact, trust, peace, love, and freedom, are linked and help to support one another.

Advice for a Happy Marriage
“A true partner or friend is one who encourages you to look deep inside yourself for the beauty and love you’ve been seeking.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Pillar One: Trust

It is only with trust that you can counter its opposite form; mistrust. Lying, concealing things, or trying to make your partner jealous is an indication that you have prioritized mistrust. Have confidence in the promises that you and your beloved have made to each other. Otherwise, mistrust can create the conditions for war in your relationship.

Wedding, Marriage, Newly Weds
“The consciousness in you and the consciousness in me, apparently two, really one, seek unity and that is love.” – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Pillar Two: Peace

If your relationship is full of wars and fights, neither party will be happy and the only way to oppose war is to cultivate peace. Having peace within ourselves is the first step to having peace in a relationship.  While it is not uncommon to have disagreements, and to make mistakes, holding on to them will foster war. Instead, you can let go, forgive, and seek peace by remembering the love you have for the other person.

Wedding, Marriage, Newly Weds
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – ACIM/Rumi

Pillar Three: Love

It is said that the opposite of love is fear. When we recognize ourselves in another, hatred and fear will cease. While love is beyond definition, the recognition of equality and oneness between yourself and others creates the space for love. When hatred and fear are removed, it exposes the love that has always been in your heart. Thus, remember the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In other words, be patient, compassionate, have gratitude, and be kind. Love is not the same as lust, attachment, bondage, or neediness, and this brings me to the fourth pillar.

Pillar Four: Freedom

Have space in your relationship so that your marriage does not become a prison. This means letting go of any desire to control your partner and what they do or who they talk to. Give each other space and time when needed, and have trust in your spouse. At the same time, honor the commitments you have both made while being free. Furthermore, rather than focusing on lack, recognize that you and your partner are enough and have enough.

Wedding, Marriage, Newly Weds
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Kindfulness: The Foundation for a Happy Marriage

Kindfulness, comprised of mindfulness and kindness, is the foundation upon which the four pillars rest.  For mindfulness without kindness is incomplete. Everything you do can be done with kindfulness, but before you can truly be kind to others, you must be kind to yourself. When people experience stress and suffering, they often project their pain onto their loved ones, making it difficult to be kind.

In the same way, mindfulness will help you recognize patterns that engender mistrust, war, hatred, and imprisonment. When we are mindful, it means we are giving our full attention to what we are experiencing in the present moment.

Wedding, Marriage, Newly Weds
“Love is a state of being. Your love is not outside, it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.” – Eckhart Tolle

Imagine if you could receive a signal minutes before you became angry, fearful, or experience any emotional turmoil. If you knew it was coming before it arose, you could consciously choose how or whether to act without being swayed by your emotional state. Likewise, when divisive thoughts arise in your mind, you will notice them and you can choose to let them go.

Awareness brings light into your life and frees you from the ego.

When you practice mindfulness, you will detect when your inner peace is disturbed and you will want to eliminate the causes that create pain. Thus, if you are aware of damaging thought patterns, words, or behaviors, you can choose to eradicate them with trust, peace, love, and freedom, knowing that you are choosing joy over suffering.

While this is the foundation and structure for a happy marriage and lifelong partnership, these pillars can also carry us through life.

May you be happy and well,

With Love,

Ravelle

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Read Letting go of Judgment of Ourselves and Others next.

Photography by: Jonathan Lai

8 Replies to “A Monk’s Advice for a Happy Marriage”

  1. Dearest Ravelle
    You are a very special. I am grateful to have read your articles. Thanks for sharing your experiences unselfish act in turn will help others. And give hope to others. Who desperately needs it. You are an Angel sent to help others ,
    Love always

  2. These are great messages. It made me feel an awareness i should continue to move through. I’m not ready for a relationship because I have experienced them without these pillars honestly. But the blog gave me food for thought and think journaling about these four pillars and see what comes up would help me. Thanks for sharing ❤️

    1. That is a great idea! I love journaling and I am sure you will find a lot of insight. You have such great self-awareness. I have been through my share of bad relationships before meeting my husband and had to take a break from dating. During that time, the biggest thing for me was self-love. Once I recognized my worth it was like everything shifted!

  3. Dearest Ravelle,
    Your words resonated so deeply with me with this post. The photos of you both are just beautiful.
    Blessings to you both

  4. Ravelle, you nailed it with a great message that I must be read over and over; as it is filled with deep meaning and well chosen words. Grateful you graciously shared Monk Bhante Saranapala message. Love the pictures by photographer, Jonathan Lai.

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