Mindfully Dealing With Anger

The Mindful Way Through Anger

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, arising when we feel attacked, unfairly treated, accused, hurt, or threatened. But, it can cause us to lose control, attack those we love, lose sight of the big picture, and say and do things we regret. So, by mindfully dealing with anger, we learn how to slow down, gain insight, and act from our heart’s center, even in challenging situations.


Mindfully Dealing with Anger
“When a person’s speech is full of anger, it is because he or she suffers deeply.” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh

What Makes Anger A Problem?

The fight-flight-or-freeze response occurs automatically to protect us from perceived threats, and anger is a healthy part of our fight response.

When you’re angry, your heart rate accelerates, your jaw and fists clench, and stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood your system. Consequently, we want to attack others, but when we lash out, the other person also feels threatened and becomes angry. This is how we attract more anger into our lives.

Since we can’t choose when anger comes and goes, we must learn to transform it. Anger itself is not the problem, it is what we do with our anger that matters.

The Positive Intention and Transforming Anger with Mindfulness

Anger tries to keep you safe, it can shift patterns like apathy and inertia and can be a force for change, especially when you have been stuck for a long time.

Sometimes, a spark is lit within and you cannot extinguish it because this fire is here to awaken you and transform your life. It wants to be acknowledged and transmuted. But, without mindfulness, this energy can be destructive and burn everything in its path.

When we practice self-awareness, mindful breathing, and mindful walking, our anger is transformed. By mindfully dealing with anger, our hearts soften, we gain insight into challenging situations, reduce stress hormones in the body, and our false perceptions are corrected.

Mindfully Dealing with Anger
“As the sun on rising makes the world active, so does self-awareness affect changes in the mind.”
— Nisargadatta Maharaj

Self-Awareness: 3 Ways Anger Manifests

Knowing the 3 ways anger manifests, builds your self-awareness and is part of practicing mindfulness. This means observing your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions without judging your experience.

#1 Projecting and Lashing Out

This is the easiest form of anger to recognize for it is the loudest expression. Sometimes you find yourself yelling, punching a wall, throwing objects, reacting impulsively, and name-calling. Once the storm has passed, you may regret your behavior and the things you said.

You are not alone, many people suffer in this way. If you grew up watching your parents argue and fight like this, you may be accustomed to it. But, by mindfully dealing with anger, you can change this pattern and learn to cool the flames of anger for future generations.

#2 Deflecting and Masking

Passive aggression is a way of deflecting and masking anger. We think we are speaking calmly but our words and actions are cutting, or what we say does not match our energy.

We may blame, gaslight, roll our eyes, and use silence or sarcasm to attack the other person. If it is not you who explodes, it’s the other person, because the energy of anger is still lurking beneath the surface seeking conflict.

Without self-awareness and mindfulness, we struggle to express ourselves openly, honestly, and peacefully.

#3 Internalizing and Bottling Up

This is a more subtle form of anger, but its impact is truly painful. On the outside, we seem okay, but on the inside, we are screaming. Since we do not want to lash out at others, we inadvertently attack ourselves to cope with our intense feelings.

As a result, we blame ourselves, internalize situations, and beat ourselves up. This leads to anxiety, depression, self-harm, and addiction. But through understanding and self-compassion, we can gain deeper insight and release the pain we hold.

How do you currently express anger? Do you express yourself differently with different people? Can you relate to all three forms of anger? Self-awareness is a key to letting go of anger.

Anger and Non-Acceptance

In life, there are situations that we don’t like but still have to experience because things are not always under our control. When this happens, it is vital to practice acceptance because non-acceptance contributes to our anger.

For instance, have you ever gotten angry at yourself for being angry? This adds fuel to the fire, and non-acceptance keeps you stuck.

I used to hate winter but it didn't stop the seasons from changing. It wasn't the cold or lack of sunlight that made me unhappy, it was my resistance. So, I began to shift my perspective and focus on things I enjoyed like winter photography, sitting by the fireplace, and seeing the beauty in this frosty season. It doesn't bother me anymore when the seasons change. But if I kept listening to my non-acceptance, I wouldn't have made peace with what is.
mindfully dealing with anger

To be clear, mindfully dealing with anger doesn’t mean we don’t act or advocate for change. But rather, the sooner we accept what is, we gain clarity and peace of mind. Then, you’ll know what you can change, and have more openness to stuff that’s not in your control. So, allow the present moment to be and work with life, rather than against it.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to overcome non-acceptance:

1. Is it in my control to change things or is it up to someone/something else?
2. Am I willing and/or able to do what is necessary to change this situation?
3. What is the main thing I am resisting?
4. How has this resistance and non-acceptance added to my suffering?
5. What would happen if I saw things differently?

Know The Early Warning Signs of Anger and Its Cause

Anger is a great teacher. When you acknowledge and accept its presence, you become conscious and learn from it. In truth, our anger is there because of our judgments, perceptions, fears, and suffering.

When you check in with yourself, you might find that you don’t feel heard, you feel accused, are under a lot of stress, or you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable in some way. So, it is essential to recognize your triggers and early warning signs such as stress, irritability, frustration, and annoyance.

Why We Get Angry: Anger is Secondary, Suffering is Primary.

Although anger disguises itself as power, its source is pain. It is linked to the desire for change, control, and/or to reclaim power. If you look beyond the surface of any situation that creates anger, you discover that your anger is trying to give you information.

So, find out what it is trying to tell you. Ask yourself: does this situation make me feel

  • inferior
  • unappreciated
  • small/inferior
  • unimportant
  • scared
  • stressed
  • powerless
  • not good enough
  • disrespected
  • sad
  • hurt
  • rejected
  • overwhelmed
  • threatened

Mindfully dealing with anger means you are aware of the pain you feel and the judgments and perceptions you hold beneath the surface.

Rather than trying to get rid of anger, ask yourself, what is the reason anger has manifested within me? What do I need most right now? What would I tell a friend in my situation? Understand the message anger brings and be compassionate towards yourself so you can heal and be free. Also, take a look and see if you have fallen into any thinking traps.

Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh’s Advice For Mindfully Dealing with Anger

24 Hours Notice and Unlikely Allies

When we put things off or ignore them for too long, they re-emerge and worsen. But, when we act too quickly, we may be heedless. Nonetheless, it is vital that we let go of our grievances and resentment for our own well-being.

In the book, Anger by Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh, it’s advised to notify the person we are angry with, within 24 hours. It is also best that we do not have the energy of anger in us when we speak to them. So, practice mindful walking and mindful breathing, and if you are still angry after 24 hours, write down how you feel and give the person a note.

He recommends that we turn the other person into an ally to counter our judgments about them. So, we can try peacefully saying something like this: “Darling, I suffer. I am angry at you. I’m doing my best to take care of my anger. But I need your help.”

One day, I was angry at my sister and I became aware of how my mind began to percieve her as my enemy. I wanted to lash out at her but instead, I told her that I was really suffering and struggling to deal with my anger and that I needed her help. To my surprise, her response was, "I will help you." My heart completely melted. It changed my false perception of her and I could see that even though I was angry at her, she was not my enemy, we were allies.

Contrary to society, most things are not urgent and don’t need to be dealt with right away. When you are carrying the energy of anger inside you, this is especially true.

So, once you let the other person know you are angry with them, you can talk to them openly if you are ready, or schedule a time to talk if you aren’t ready.

Thich Nhat Hanh said it is best to practice mindful walking and mindful breathing to cool the flames of anger when we feel its presence. Also, when you are angry, you are suffering. So, be kind to yourself. By the time you have the conversation you need to have, the energy of peace will be flowing inside you.

Mindfully Dealing with Anger
“Nothing strengthens the ego more than being right.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Mindfully Dealing with Anger & Having the Courage to Face your Shadow

We live in a society that shames the vulnerable parts of our experience, causing us to hide our pain. This is the shadow of the collective unconscious. Although we all experience suffering and fear, many of us are told to “suck it up” or “get over it”.

You may even be told to “just let it go” or “calm down”. When these statements are without the energy of mindfulness and compassion, it is only more ego. In truth, unacknowledged pain lingers and does not go away until the light of our consciousness rests upon it and transforms it.

Mindfully dealing with anger means facing your pain because the ego can only perpetuate suffering and conflict when you are unconscious of it.

So, rather than pushing anger away and judging ourselves for being angry, we must learn to consciously experience it and wholeheartedly embrace it. This is very important, otherwise we suppress our feelings and trap them within us.

So, pay attention to the physical sensations in the body and the pain beneath the anger that wants to be transformed and healed, and the false judgments that seek correction. Try my free worksheet to defuse your emotional triggers, balance your thinking, and gain insight.

Know the Role of the Ego, and How it Uses Anger.

It is natural to want to protect ourselves from bodily harm when we feel threatened. However, often what we are defending is our ego, which is unreal.

When we step back and objectively look at things, we see that there isn’t any reason to attack. Reconciliation, resolution, and true justice are about making peace. It is not about winning. You win when you protect your inner peace rather than your ego.

From the perception of the ego, it is me vs. you or us vs. them. This only contributes to the battle of egos, where no one wins. Attack and blame don’t bring the healing and change we long for.

Mindfully dealing with anger shows us that we are not separate from other beings and that our false perceptions prevent real healing.

Expressing Ourselves with “Healthy Aggression”

I first heard the term “healthy aggression” from Peter A. Levine, a trauma expert. And I realized this was something I neglected in myself. But as Peter Levine pointed out, healthy aggression is a trait that confident people have. It allows them to be assertive, firm, direct, empowered, and to set healthy boundaries without losing control.

There are times we are going to have to protect and stand up for ourselves or another. Anger arises in these situations not just as a messenger, but as an energy we can access to safeguard ourselves from emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual abuse. If we keep suppressing anger, then we won’t hear the alarms that alert us to danger.

If I have learned anything from Advaita and Buddhism, it is our judgments and perceptions that create suffering. And many of us have been taught to judge anger as a “bad” and “negative” emotion. But it is much better to recognize and accept what we feel and to understand our emotions.

So, release yourself from the idea that anger is “bad” and that you are “bad” for feeling it.

Communicating from the Heart Rather than the Ego

Be mindful of unnecessarily venting because often we are reiterating our false perceptions and acting out our anger. So, recognize the difference between seeking support and venting. You will know if talking about an issue is helpful if your anger subsides versus staying with you.

When you communicate from the heart and address the part of you that feels hurt, unimportant, vulnerable, and unappreciated, then real healing occurs.

Cutting Through the Illusion of Ego

The ego can turn anyone into a perpetrator, like your spouse, boss, child, the universe, or even inanimate objects such as a door closing on your hand. Life just happens, but to the ego, everything is a personal attack. This is an illusion and unconscious anger reinforces this illusion by strengthening our false ideas.

So, remember, anger itself is not the problem, for it is simply trying to help you and give you information.

When you observe your anger, you see that it isn’t you. It is just energy moving through the body. Through self-inquiry, you realize that you are not your emotions, thoughts, body, or any of the concepts you have about yourself or others. And this liberates you from your suffering.

You can learn how to practice the method of self-inquiry in my article: An Introduction to Self-Inquiry.

Mindfully Dealing with Anger
“If you are angry or in pain, separate yourself from anger and pain and watch them.
Externalization is the first step to liberation.” Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

The Power of Mindfulness

The moment you are aware of anger, practice self-awareness, self-compassion, and mindful breathing or mindful walking.

One day, I had enough mindfulness to consciously experience my anger. I felt a surge of energy rise from my belly into my chest. It was as if this ball of energy appeared out of thin air and was now swirling through me. It happened very fast, and as I witnessed it, I was also able to make the conscious choice to let it go and preserve my inner peace.

This is the power of mindfulness, without it, I might have identified with this energy and snapped. This would have escalated my situation and created a lot of unnecessary tension for myself and the other person.

When you are mindfully dealing with anger, you recognize early signs, witness it when it arises, and you can allow yourself to experience this energy without judging yourself and others.

Conclusion: Mindfully Dealing With Anger

When there is a real threat, aggression may be needed. The body knows how to protect itself. So, it will prepare itself to fight, flee, or freeze. We must learn to trust and understand our bodies rather than be afraid of our biological responses.

Anger is an important aspect of our human experience. It allows us to protect ourselves from real threats, stand up for ourselves, be assertive, and set healthy boundaries.

By mindfully dealing with anger, we cultivate the flexibility needed for dealing with everyday situations, by creating space between our anger and responses.

With self-awareness, self-compassion, acceptance, and mindfulness, we also reduce the stress hormones that arise and correct our false perceptions and judgments. This lets us have a healthy relationship with anger that creates harmony within us.

So, rather than trying to suppress anger, we observe it and transform it. In the beginning, recognizing anger is difficult since it arises very quickly. You may only see it after the storm has passed or while you are acting from a place of anger.

Know that this is already an indication of consciousness arising in you. Eventually, the energy of your mindfulness practice reveals your anger before it can consume you. Then, you can choose how you want to express it or let it go.

Lastly, you are not your anger and it does not define you. You are the one who is aware of anger, and awareness is more powerful than you know. In time, you will know your inner strength, your fears and grievances will be released, and your light will shine forth with unwavering peace.

May you always be happy and well,

With Love,

Ravelle


Inherent Peace Blog Ravelle

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Mindful Breathing (MP3)

Mindful Walking (Script)

Defuse Your Emotional Triggers (PDF)


Free Resources For Subscribers

Mindful Walking (MP3)

Body Scan Meditation (MP3)

Defuse Your Emotional Triggers (PDF)

Breath Meditation (MP3)

Process Your Emotions (PDF)


4 Replies to “Mindfully Dealing With Anger”

  1. This was such a helpful and clear post on how to truly accept and consciously work with anger. I will be sending this to my family! Whenever I read your posts I immediately feel calm and grounded in my body. Your words fill me with so much peace.

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