Introduction

“The Light of Depression” is a conversation that took place with a friend struggling with depression.

They agreed to let me record our talk and share it. We both felt it useful because it demonstrated what the mind does in this state and how our conscious awareness allows us to move through it.

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Self-Inquiry and Using Depression to Awaken and Find Peace

This post is for those who are familiar with self-inquiry and struggle with feelings of depression.

Note: The beginning and end of the conversation are missing. So, to give you some context, the friend that I am speaking to here uses the method of self-inquiry in their spiritual practice.

This is the method we discuss, which has helped us both disidentify from depression. We are being very direct and candid with each other.

If you are not familiar with self-inquiry read more here.

Searching for the Reason Depression Arises

Ravelle: When you feel depressed, your mind will search for the reason it’s there. So, when it doesn’t find one, you feel frustrated because you’re looking at your life situation to be the source of the depression.

Well, that’s not always the case because there are times life is going well, but you still feel depressed.

So, if you don’t find yourself in a good life situation you might say oh well it’s because of this thing that I feel sad.

Questioner: Or because of work stress or this or that.

What you Need to Know: Internalizing v.s. Projecting

Internalizing Depression

Ravelle: Right, so when that “cause” is removed you think good, I’m going to feel better now. Maybe you do but maybe you don’t.

If you don’t feel better and can’t find the reason you’re still depressed, it leads to internalizing.

So, your mind starts to think well, if it’s not my life situation then it must be me. I’m the problem.

Questioner: Well yeah, I’ve had time off, and am I’m thinking I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’m not stressed. I’m just chilling.

Like why am I feeling like this? What’s wrong with me?

Like how are all these other supposedly happy people around? But I don’t think anyone is genuinely happy, but I don’t know.

Ravelle: Here’s the thing, the great part of being aware that you are not actually happy is that you can finally begin to awaken and heal because it’s true.

Many tend to ignore their pain and distract themselves from what they’re feeling.

So, anytime they find themselves alone for too long, it can be a very restless thing for them.

Then, when your mind can’t find the source of the depression, you blame yourself, but this creates feelings of insecurity.

What do feelings of insecurity do? It leads to feeling even more depressed and it creates this cycle.

Questioner: Yes.

Projecting Depression

Ravelle: On the other hand, sometimes your mind doesn’t want to say oh, it’s me. That’s when you start looking for things to be upset about.

Now you’re sending a signal out, you know? Your mind is searching for things, situations, and people that make you sad, angry, and depressed.

So, as soon as something happens here, it’s like oh that’s the reason I’m angry. Something else happens there, that’s the reason! It’s this person!

Questioner: Yes, like so-and-so said this to me.

Ravelle: Exactly! So, if you’re not internalizing it and blaming yourself, then you start projecting everything outward.

Now, What Can You do to Overcome Depression?

Building your Awareness

Questioner: So, but even if you internalize it and are aware of it, it just feels sh*tty, so, what do you do? You just sit there feeling sh*tty?

Ravelle: First things first, be aware of what’s happening. Are you internalizing? Supressing? Ignoring? Or projecting how you feel? All of these are forms of resistance.

Transcending is what we want to get to, but the only way to do that is to be aware of the depression.

In fact, a person that doesn’t want to deal with how they feel is unlikely to reach transcendence.

When you face how you feel, your attention starts to go inward to something that is seemingly negative on the surface, like feelings of sadness, insecurity, fear-based thoughts, etc.

This is when you have the opportunity to really heal from these feelings.

To sit with it. Acknowledge it. To see that it’s there, and to be okay with it.

Getting to the part where you’re OK with it, that’s truly managing it.

Releasing Resistance

Ravelle: So it doesn’t really matter what emotion comes, you’re not going to beat yourself up about it.

Just like feelings of guilt and shame, because when you think oh I shouldn’t feel like this, it adds shame.

When you project it outward and snap at other people, then that creates feelings of guilt.

In fact, these are all symptoms of depression: guilt, shame, low self-esteem, self-doubt, difficulty making decisions…

Questioner: I’ve been worse with that too lately. I’m usually much more decisive. I’ve been doubting myself, doubting my instincts, my decisions. Even the insecurities, like I feel like I need to work out more. Like, I dunno.

Ravelle: But can you see that this is all okay? Because what you were doing before was a form of supressing and ignoring.

Questioner: Yeah, it was a fake confidence and whatever you want to call it.

Transcending Depression

Ravelle: So, now you have the opportunity to truly transcend the things that are holding you back from real joy and real happiness.

‘Cause right now, if you look at the feeling of depression in your body, and you just sit with it, and let it be there, don’t try to push it away.

It does not need to go anywhere! Can you view it as like a cloud passing by?

Whether it passes or doesn’t, which it will because it’s a transient phenomenon.

Questioner: Yeah, just when you’re under the cloud, it’s hard, it just sucks.

Ravelle: Everything is transient. Even when anger comes, that too subsides.

Yes, the depression will be there, and it might be there for days, weeks, months, years, but there are periods within that time when it’s not there.

So, the emotion, yeah, it’s transient too and can you be OK with that? Don’t try to push it away right now. Don’t try to get rid of it.

Right now, you know that this is your opportunity to really and truly be free by allowing and accepting it…

Questioner *sighs*

Ravelle: …breathing through it. Like yes, this is what I feel. I’m present with this feeling and this is just another experience.

Another part of experiencing life in this body.

The Opportunity to Break Free

Ravelle: If you don’t like the experience that’s OK, it’s still possible to accept it because it is what’s there.

If you’ve tried to change it and you can’t, and you’ve tried to run from the depression or whatever, and you can’t, then just accept it.

At that point, how does it feel to accept it?

There are times I go places and I start to feel anxious, and I just accept that this anxiety is present in my body.

This is another thing; the depression is present in your body, it’s present in your field of awareness.

Questioner: In my mind too.

The Path of Self-Inquiry as a Means to Liberation

Ravelle: Yeah, so in your mind, in your field of awareness, this depression is present.

Who is perceiving it? What is perceiving the depression? There’s something that is apart from the depression, what is perceiving it?

Questioner: Yeah, I mean I’ve tried to do that too.

Ravelle: So, this time don’t try. Look. The depression is there, right?

Just sit with it and let it be there. Where is it in your body? What sensations are you experiencing right now? What thoughts are going through your head?

Questioner: Sadness, tightness in my chest, headache, cloudiness, yeah. There is a general feeling, sh*tty.

Ravelle: Is there a lump in your throat?

Questioner: Yeah, a lump in my throat.

Ravelle: We have these physical sensations in our body, and we think this is depression and that’s fine because it’s helpful when using language to express our feelings, right?

But just look at this lump in your throat for example, and really sit with it and be present with it.

Becoming Unafraid

Ravelle: It’s good to express it, sometimes you have to look at it and not turn away from it to truly transcend, because when you turn away from it you’re just running.

Open to it, you know? Feel it. Feel that the sensation is there and that it’s not a problem. Just open to it.

When you turn away from an emotion all you’re doing is…

Questioner: Delaying and prolonging it

Ravelle: Exactly, you’re allowing it to come back another time. So, it’s best not to turn away from it or you become afraid of what you’re feeling.

Next thing you know, you experience anxiety too.

So, even if it’s painful, you feel like you’re gonna cry, you want to curl up in a ball, or you just wanna sleep for days, you can have this dark cloud over you for the next couple days, weeks, months, or years, let it in.

Only then, you’ll see that there is nothing to be afraid of, and there’s nothing to push away because it’s not you.

It’s just an appearance, no different from feeling the wind on your skin. Sure, it feels intense because of the tendency to identify with it.

What it means to Drop Identification with Depression

Questioner: Yeah, it’s like I’ve become identified with the depression but how do you not identify with something that is so strong and over-powering?

Ravelle: When we talk about letting go, what it really means is when you identify with something you make it very personal.

That’s when it feels like it consumes you, because you get lost in it and forget that you are the one who is witnessing it.

Open to it and keep opening to it. There is no need to run from it because you’re no longer identified with it.

Instead, you’re exploring the feeling and you’re really seeing what it’s about.

It’s almost like you find proof that the feeling itself can’t consume you because you create a gap between yourself and your emotional and mental state.

You see that it’s okay and there is nothing to fear.

The thoughts that your mind creates, become important only if you believe them.

Discovering Who You Are Beyond Depression

Ravelle: You’re not the depression itself. You are the one aware of the experiencing of it, and it’s OK.

So as soon as you become OK with it you allow it to be there then you can start to witness it and create a gap between yourself and the depression.

Once that gap is there, you see that you’re not the depression. You’re the one witnessing it. That’s how you drop the identity.

Questioner: Yeah, I get that, and I could see the gap and that the depression is still there, but it doesn’t change how it makes me feel.

Ravelle: Paradoxically, when you begin to accept how you feel, that changes how you feel, because resistance perpetuates the identity with your emotional and mental state.

On the other hand, acceptance helps the depression to move through you, and it dissolves in the light of your awareness.

So, when you drop the resistance, you’re really acknowledging that it’s no longer a problem. When you do that, then everything becomes OK.

By resisting the experience, the ego can continue to perpetuate the state of depression.

In fact, your identification with the depression is your belief that what the depression has to say about you is true.

What does depression tell us? It tells us that we’re not worthy, that we’re lacking, that who we are is not good enough, that the world hates us, and that things suck.

Questioner: Mmhmmm… that’s resistance.

How the Ego Perpetuates Suffering

Ravelle: Resistance comes from ego. The ego creates the pain and resists that pain, and that’s how it perpetuates suffering.

So, when you’re open and allowing, you are honoring your True Self, which does not believe the ego illusions of lack.

This self-awareness brings self-love and self-acceptance, which closes the door on ego.

You are love itself, you are joy itself, so, you don’t need anything to change because joy is not outside of you.

The only thing you need to change is what you choose to identify with and believe. Don’t identify with the transient.

Questioner: You said you change what you identify with, but is it OK to identify with love and peace because you’re still identifying with certain things?

Knowing Your True Nature

Ravelle: Love and peace is your true nature, it is uncreated. When depression, anger, anxiety, and fear are not present, then your natural state is peace, joy, and love.

Now your next steps are to open to your experience, allow it to be there, and drop the resistance. When you drop resistance, you are letting go of ego and allowing your True Self to come forward.

As you recognize yourself as the witness of your experience then you no longer view yourself as the depression itself, because you are the one witnessing it.

This witnessing is not consumed by any emotional or mental state. It is untouched, unbound, and beyond what you perceive.

When you rest in this awareness, you’ll experience peace and a return to love because you are abiding as your True Self.

{End of Recording}

Conclusion: Awakening is the Light of Depression

If you are feeling low and depressed, it’s okay. I am grateful for my suffering because it was the catalyst for awakening.

So, in these moments of difficulty and emotional turmoil, grace calls you home.

The ego is showing you that if you identify with it, it will only bring you pain.

When you keep going back to a toxic relationship (the relationship with ego), you will continue to get hurt.

It isn’t until you’re so fed up that you lose interest in it because you begin to value your inner peace.

This whole world is here for your liberation and freedom, all of it is here to set you free.

Suffering broke down my attachment to the ego-identity. It made me realize that I was identified with something false.

The pain made me withdraw my protection of ego and it helped me to stop believing it.

So, don’t dissolve the depression itself, dissolve the ego. Depression is only a symptom, the ego is the root cause of your pain.

Think, how many people are still sleeping? Nightmares wake us up. You get the chance now to wake up. This is the light of depression.

I would love to hear your takeaways in the comments. Let me know if you like this conversational format!

With Endless Love,

Ravelle

You can read about the challenges I overcame with my mental health in my bio.

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