A Short Story About Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, and Insomnia

A few nights ago, I could not sleep and started writing this short story about the friends in my head; Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia and ADHD. With mindfulness, meditation, and self-inquiry, my perspective about mental illness has shifted, and I can now make light out of my experience.

In truth, I wrote this story from a carefree place, and if you read it with a serious tone, you may miss the intended sarcasm and irony. I hope it makes you laugh and gives you hope, but if it makes you cry, know that you are not alone. Either way, please let me know in the comments if you can relate to this story.

My hope is that those who are struggling with anxiety and depression will become aware that there is a way to be free despite the inner turmoil. 

You can find peace even if mental illness walks with you. I know this because it walks with me and I have learned that it is okay. You can read my bio here.

Emotions and mental states are constantly changing, but peace is available in every moment, for everyone.

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Part One: The Friends in my Head

Anxiety. My old friend. Everywhere I go Anxiety is with me. For as long as I can remember, Anxiety has always been by my side. We talk about all sorts of things. Anxiety tells me what to say, what to wear, how to act, where to go, what to do, what not to do. Anxiety does everything to keep me safe. We have been together for so long, I don’t know what I would do without Anxiety. In fact, I think I would be anxious without Anxiety. How vulnerable would I be without Anxiety protecting me from danger?

We are best friends, Anxiety and me. Sometimes we can’t seem to stop talking all through the night. Before I know it, the sun comes up and we are still chatting. Anxiety even introduced me to Insomnia. Whenever I had nightmares, Insomnia was right there when I woke. Insomnia never wants me to miss out on anything and wakes me in the middle of the night. I’m not sure why, not much happens at 4:00 AM.

Life with the Friends in my Head:

One day, while I was at work, I felt nauseous and Anxiety took me to the bathroom to throw up. Another time, I was having trouble breathing and felt dizzy, so Anxiety urged me to go home where I would be safe. Eventually, Anxiety did not want me to get out of bed and made sure I no longer went to work. I was much safer at home than I was in the office. Anxiety was always teaching me things.

Anxiety stayed with me day and night, never leaving my side. My other friend came too; Depression. Sometimes Depression let me sleep for 22 hours straight. Then the following night, Insomnia would show up and we would hang out, always at home though, Depression never wanted to go anywhere.

When I stopped working, Depression felt sorry for me. Depression was mad at the world and taught me that life was tough and that people were cruel. Whenever I cried too much, or my body and head ached, Depression was sympathetic and would say “poor you, nothing ever works out for you.” Then, we would cry together.

Part Two: The Doctor

When my doctor told me Anxiety, Depression, and Insomnia were problems, immediately they were all there for me. When the pills didn’t work, Depression was always offering me another way out. A permanent way. Anxiety sometimes objected though. Anxiety could be quite certain that uncertainty was certain, and uncertainty was not safe.

Nevertheless, Depression persisted, seeing how much I suffered. Such compassion Depression had. Eventually, Depression and Anxiety came to a compromise so that I could physically hurt myself to feel some relief.

I was so grateful for my friends because I was not as capable as them. Depression, for example, was a great critic. Whenever I did anything, Depression went over all my mistakes. Over and over, again and again. Depression encouraged me to isolate myself since people would not like the “real me”.

Anxiety knew the future and helped me avoid many dangers, like driving or walking to the mailbox. Anxiety also knew what other people were thinking. There were a lot of bad people out there and some of them were extra-terrestrials disguised as humans. Insomnia, on the other hand, knew all the best Netflix shows.

ADHD also hung out with us, but I can’t remember why. It didn’t matter, we were all great friends. Of course, like any group of friends, there were disagreements. Often Depression blamed Anxiety for my demise, Anxiety did not trust Insomnia, and Insomnia was frustrated with both of them.

Part Three: The Monk

One day, I met a monk who told me about meditation. He was so peaceful and happy, I wanted to try it myself. At the same time, Depression kept discouraging me while Anxiety insisted that meditation was dangerous.

“Be quiet,” I told them, “the monk said it was not dangerous.” I tried to keep my attention on my breath, but my friends kept talking.

“I think you left the stove on,” Anxiety said.

“Nothing ever helps, why would this be any different?” Depression sighed.

“This is so boring, let’s watch TV,” ADHD insisted.

It was also tough to stay awake during meditation because I had been up all night with Insomnia.

“Please leave, friends give each other space” I begged them. Still, they stayed. As I continued meditating, I became more aware of my friends’ constant need for my attention. They were always distracting me.

Suddenly, it all dawned on me. I was crazy! “No wonder the doctor gave me pills,” I thought. Is this what they meant by self-realization? I did not feel free. The next morning, I woke, and I realized my so-called friends had taken over my life.

They were controlling me this whole time and I was their prisoner. I was so naive, I thought they were my friends. Since I could not seem to focus on my breathing, I began to observe them instead. Were they good? Were they bad? I began to wonder.

Anxiety was always trying to keep me safe, Depression was always so concerned and sympathetic to my suffering, Insomnia didn’t want me to miss anything, and ADHD just wanted to have fun. These were all positive things, weren’t they? So why didn’t they want to leave me alone?

Although I felt confused at the time, I had no idea that wisdom was arising. They all wanted to protect me, but their very presence was hurting me. Fear was all around me, manifesting as mental illness.

Part Four: True Self vs. The Friends in my Head

I saw my attachment to the friends in my head and how much I listened to everything they said. I also saw their dependency on me and that my attention was feeding them. Who was I without them? I continued to practice meditation, and as I did, I remembered how I once thought I would be anxious without anxiety, but it was the opposite, I felt calm.

My fear of meditation went away. I thought I needed sympathy from depression, but I felt happier without it. The urge to fall asleep also lessened.

I stopped focusing my attention on all the thoughts Insomnia didn’t want me to miss at night, and I felt more rested. I was no longer bored without ADHD, in fact, my patience grew, and I began to find some enjoyment in mundane tasks.

As I focused more on the present moment, happiness arose and I began to see my true self. I was not who depression, anxiety, insomnia, and ADHD wanted me to believe I was, and I began to see myself differently.

The friends in my head were always lurking around, but my attachment to them was thinning away. I am no longer trapped by their presence. They visit day and night, always coming and going, but it is okay.

I know them now, I have come to understand them, I know that they are not me, and because of this, I can endure them. I still hear the voice of Anxiety and Depression and I’m often visited by Insomnia, but it is all okay because I know who I am without them.

Even though my so-called friends persist, I have let go of our common interests: fear, shame, guilt, annoyance, and apathy. I have learned to hear my own voice and I don’t need to listen to them, even when they are loud.

Understanding:

ADHD, for example, did not want me to finish this story but I knew this voice that kept saying, “let’s do something else.” I recognized it every time my attention would be carried away and while it may have taken longer than the average person would have to write this, I persisted. I also heard Depression’s voice saying, “why bother? It’s a waste of time and it just isn’t good enough. Stay in bed.”

Anxiety was also here with me as I wrote, saying “you might offend some people. They will take it the wrong way and they will think you are crazy! It’s probably best you keep all this to yourself.” Insomnia, of course, kept waking me up in the middle of the night trying to figure out what to write next.

Yes, the “friends in my head” are still here. Not in a “hearing voices” type of way, as one would think with auditory hallucinations. The awareness of the constant stream of thinking, lets you see that you are not your mind. As Eckhart Tolle puts it, “What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”

Inner Strength:

These “friends in my head” are the voice of the conditioned mind, expressing itself as thoughts, and often manifesting as anxiety and depression. In truth, they are neither good nor bad, they are not friends nor enemies, they are just the manifestation of thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. We all experience them to some degree, some of us to a lesser extent.

For example, I am sure many people are familiar with that “inner-critic”, whose voice is a lot louder if you experience anxiety and depression. I cannot say why some people experience these states, or if they will ever go away, but I can say there is a way to find peace if you are diligent.

Here Are 6 Ways To Recognize Your Inner Strength:

1. Find your center in difficult times and don’t be afraid to face what you are feeling, even when it is unpleasant.
2. Be aware of the perils of the unobserved mind. We can’t change what we are not aware exists.
3. Be mindful, focus on the present moment. We cannot change the past, nor can we predict the future so let them go. Mindfulness is powerful and you can be mindful anytime, anywhere. It can help you understand and move beyond mental and emotional agitation such as anger, bringing peace, joy and true purpose into your life.
4. Learn about the 12 thinking traps and how to overcome them
5. Take time to fall in love with silence and stillness. Our lives are can be stressful, yet, we can find peace and presence in each moment.
6. Learn how to deal with uncertainty. Uncertainty is a part of life but can also be a big trigger for anxiety. It is important to understand how the mind treats uncertainty so that we can better cope with it
7. Find out who you really are beyond the conditioned mind. Practice self-inquiry.

I can tell you that you are the full expression of love. You are complete in your individuality and at the same time, you are boundless, timeless, and free. I can tell you all of this, but it is better if you find out for yourself. Don’t give up because your efforts will eventually bear fruit.

May you be happy and well,

Ravelle

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You can also read about the challenges I overcame with my mental health on my bio.

More short stories:

The Girl Under the Rug